It is a difficult place to be in when someone you care about wants to spend time with you and you want to be with them, but you feel as if you are wrapped in chains and can not get out of bed.  They aren't really understanding why you are not just simply getting out of bed, but lay lethargic until late in the afternoon and they find it difficult to grasp that it is not something you can just 'get over'.  I have been depressed for quite some time now and I realized today that what I actually might be experiencing is a 'mixed' state.  I feel all over the place to the point where I often cannot articulate it at all, from feeling so tired that I sleep 12-14 hours a night to now staying up until 3-5AM feeling wired these past 2 weeks and waking up early feeling quite sparky after 4 hours sleep.  I usually then drain and crash for the latter part of the afternoon and intertwined with all of this I am very irritable, sad and then at times intermittently productive, but it is such a whirlwind.  I am not complaining, well maybe a bit, but I have never been in this kind of state before and wonder if anybody else has felt similarly?  Due to doctor's orders I am staying awake on 4 hours sleep all day until tonight, hoping that when I double up my sedative medication (also on orders) that I will feel somewhat composed for my 8:30AM appointment with Dr. Song in the morning.  I am off work right now and my boyfriend is right, I don't know how to relax.  He bought me a beautiful spa package for my birthday and here I am in my pj's, and feeling so 'blah' and feeling quite guilty about it as many of us do.  This is not the blues, this is bipolar BUT I will now stand up and take that shower, make that spa appointment, eat lunch and take a long walk with my boyfriend.  It will feel like I am building a house, moving bricks and wood, but as long as I do a little bit, keep pushing and don't give in too  much to the depression, I know I will be okay.  🙂  It felt good to write that!  Thanks for reading and I love you all! xo   Babe Picture credit: elfwood.com