It has been such a roller-coaster these past few days. I was severely depressed last weekend and had the most unproductive time EVER! I discovered NETFLIX and it just brought me down as I watched movie after movie. I tried to BLOG but my mood was too low. When will my meds stabilize? I heard a comment the other day when someone was talking about somebody else who has a mental health condition and they said in a condescending manner "That person well you know…forgot to take their meds." I thought it ironic as that was a common problem for people with a mental health condition. Stigma is still so apparent, even in the most common statements, which are blind to the view of many.
I went to a rock concert last night with the band name 'MOTHER MOTHER'. A couple of them are old pals from Quadra Island so it was amazing to see them. I ran up to Molly and gave her a big hug, it was amusing because I don't think she remembered who I was, even when I said 'It's Andrea'. Ryan was magnificent, his devilish look was stellar and he played with such heart. The girls had such personality and the drummer was hidden but not forgotten. I have become a junkie, a big time fan and I read their BLOG religiously now and I hope that they will read mine at times. The rest of the band was so talented and the guitarist pulled off a clarinet! I am impressed. Except I felt really sick during the concert and I had one of my 'acidy feelings', it was back and I knew it would happen because it seems to happen in loud exciting situations. All of a sudden I was super paranoid and being around people felt seriously wrong and considering I was around one hundred people, this was not an ideal place to be feeling this way. I felt like I was out of my skin and I was overwhelmed.
My vision was even affected. I just told myself that everything was going to be okay and that nobody would know what was going on with me. It is very difficult to do when you are also having personal conversations with people and you have to act like you are feeling 'normal'. My body threw itself into manic mode last night and I MAYBE got 5 hours sleep. Now here I am writing this BLOG a mile a minute because I am feeling quite high. I couldn't sleep all day and I had to miss work. I am rapid cycling and that feels just like a roller-coaster, hopefully I can get off soon and resume my awesome life. One last thing, although I have been on medication for years I still have the temptation to go off. As I peer at the medication bottles, tons of them, I tell myself "It would be so wonderful to not have to depend on drugs". Then I am reminded how lucky I am, that even with the kinks and set backs, I have drugs that will help me manage. It is all about management and I pray that I can continue to do so. Andrea XO
